Mad At Your Therapist? Tell them!

So you start a new therapeutic relationship with a psychologist who, all things considered, seems alright.  You then begin to forge a therapeutic alliance – your therapist will start to get to know you and you will start to see your practitioner’s therapeutic style.  You will feel their level of knowledge, expertise, and compassion, and hopefully, develop trust for this new helper who has come into your life.

Now, what happens if your therapist says something you don’t like?  I’ll never forget a client of mine who wanted to discuss his previous therapist.  He voiced, “she just didn’t listen to me and would never agree with what I said.  We would always butt heads and I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like her so I never went back.”  He would also display this kind of dislike and mistrust with his physicians.  We thereby discovered that he was constantly changing healthcare practitioners because he didn’t like them, was angry with them, and never went back.  Was I next?

Truth is, you have every right to like or dislike your health care practitioners.  The only thing that I would stress is this:  If you have a problem with your psychologist or therapist or doctor, TELL THEM!  Telling your psychologist that you are angry with them, instead of just leaving, is a therapeutic goldmine. 

If you do this with a good therapist, one of two things will happen. 

1) If the therapist did, in fact, do something wrong, he or she will acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and talk about it for as long it takes.  The therapist will engage is good conflict resolution with you, which is such an important tool to use in therapy and in the real world.  At that point, you can decide whether or not you wish to stay with them.  

2) Other times, however, the problem is not with the therapist but may, in fact, be with the client (I know that's hard to hear (and may even be offensive), but give me a chance to explain this).  If you do not like your therapist and have a history of disliking your healthcare practitioners, you need to talk about this problem.  If the therapist did not commit an offense, a good therapist will still address a client’s anger and mistrust with diligent care.

I can’t tell you how amazing it it to talk to your psychologist about your dissatisfaction.  A client’s pattern of dislike, avoidance, and escape with their health care practitioners could easily mimic what happens to them in real life.  If a person has a pattern of getting mad at people and avoiding them occurs in therapy with the therapist, a beautiful opportunity has presented itself.  The therapist now has a chance to help the client work through avoidance and escape by lovingly questioning the behavior without judgement or abandonment.  In the real world, this person’s behavior is likely judged and discarded.  A psychologist, however, will lovingly stay alongside the client as they get mad, avoid, and attempt to leave.  This is a beautifully rare opportunity to legitimately help the client work through his, heartbreaking, social pattern.          

In sum, if you have the strength to do it, please talk to your therapist about anything that you are feeling, even if you are feeling anger towards them.  I’m telling you that if you work on your anger and faulty social assumptions and judgements with your therapist, you’ll learn to trust others a little bit more and will seek out and find healthier relationships with individuals in your personal life.