The Common Denominator Principle

An important question I ask my clients during our first session is whether or not they’ve seen a psychologist before me.  I ask this because if they have seen any other practitioners, I need to know why they’ve not gone back and have instead come to see me.  I know we have our work cut out for us when my client responds with something like, “I’ve seen at least 5 people before you and they just didn’t get me.  It has just never worked out with any other therapist.”  This is so important for me to know.  If they did not return to any previous therapists, our therapeutic relationship could very well suffer the same fate.  So what do I do?  In order to help this client successfully stay in therapy for at least a few sessions, I cannot simply delve into symptom reduction and ignore this person’s (potentially problematic) interpersonal patterns.  As a therapist, reducing symptoms is, often times, not my only job.  I sometimes need to engage in helping clients realize that they may have responsibility in their setbacks in life. 

I call this, using the Common Denominator Principle.  Whether or not we are talking about a common pattern of a) unsuccessful romantic relationships, b) failed job ventures, or c) ruptured friendships, you need to think about the this principle; you need to realize that the common denominator in many of your reoccurring letdowns is no one other than YOU.  Now, I’m not saying that everything is your fault.  I’m simply saying that you are doing yourself a huge disservice in not understanding the part you might play in your conflicts, disappointments, and blockages.  People often blindly blame “the other person” and are in constant victim consciousness.  Many people have this “woe is me” mindset and are stuck in a can-you-believe-what-she-did-to-me/it-was-totally-her-fault, school of thought.  Well, I hate to break it to you but if you are single and wish not to be, or unemployed, or friendless, or just plain complaining all the time, it is so important for you to think about the part you play in all of that, especially if you’ve experienced the same type of setbacks over and over again.  The sooner you put these puzzle pieces together, the sooner you’ll achieve a level of relief, calmness, peace and acceptance that will set you free.  Moreover, taking this type of radical self-responsibility will feel great because: If you are now taking some blame, you now have the power to make it right.  When you blame other people, you put the ball is in their court…but the power is so much more delicious when it lies with you.