The Importance of "Selfishness"

The Importance of “Selfishness”

Have you ever felt guilty - like you weren’t doing enough for the people in your life? Are you the type to feel bad if you can’t attend a birthday party, or stay late to help a colleague, or return a phone call promptly?  If this is you, it’s time to switch this up fast!  What if I told you that this kind of self-inflicted culpability actually exacerbates stress and uncomfortable psychological symptoms? I make “reducing guilt” an important prescription in my office because you can’t possibly reduce problematic symptoms if you are constantly carrying around a feeling of guilt. 

If you break it down, guilt is essentially a feeling of anger towards yourself for not doing something you think you should do or should have done.  The problem therefore lies with your belief system about what is “right” and what is “wrong.”  We’ve all, essentially, created a set of standards, morals, responsibilities, and expectations (which can be considered critical for identity-formation).  However, for some of us who might feel excessively guilty a lot of the time, it might be time for us to re-think our set of (rigid) rules of behaving in interpersonal relationships.

I like to screen all of my clients for what I like to call “excessive caregiving.”  I ask if they are the type to go above-and-beyond their duties to relentlessly help people.  If they say “yes,” there is much we have to talk about.  Now, I’m not saying that helping people is wrong, however, I can’t say this enough: YOU CANNOT CONSTANTLY HELP PEOPLE AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN WELL-BEING!  The only thing you will potentially get out of self-sacrifice is a diagnosable psychological disorder. 

(Truth is,  an excessive caregiver is often relentlessly giving “care” out of a need to feel needed.  …and feeling needed is how they feel worthy.  It is through helping other people that the caregiver feels like he or she is a good mother or employee or partner etc.  At the core of it all is often a faulty interpersonal belief that they are not good enough – they have an “I’m not good enough” core belief.  Therefore, to feel “good enough,” the caregiver goes above and beyond the average helper in order to feel like a good enough human being.  Heartbreaking.)

Now, when I encourage my guilt-ridden clients to put themselves first, it is quite difficult.  They often think that considering their own needs before the needs of others is selfish.  I’m here to clarify something:  IT MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT!  If oxygen masks are necessary on an airplane, the instructions are to put the mask on yourself before helping others.  The reason for this makes ultimate sense, doesn’t it?  How can you expect to help other passengers if you are unconscious?  How can you help anyone if your pockets are hollow or your gas tank is empty?  How can you stay late at work, if you have other commitments?  How can you help your colleague during your lunch break when you haven’t eaten a thing since 6am?  You really need to start thinking of yourself too!  It’s time. 

Even with all of this ammunition, it’s still hard to convince my clients that they need to take care of themselves first.  With a decision to change their caregiving ways, they can’t let go of the feeling of selfishness it could bring.  So let’s define selfishness, shall we?  The good ol’ dictionary maintains that selfishness “is being concerned excessively, or exclusively, for oneself or one’s own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.”  So…being selfish is clearly a far cry from not attending your friend’s birthday party, do you feel me?  Not being able to, help a colleague, or answer emails, or cook supper is not selfish!  I’d actually like to call these types of behaviors, non-selfish behaviors.  So, your inability to do your neighbor a favor is non-selfish.  Coning your neighbor for money for your own personal welfare, on the other hand, is selfish.  Make sense?  Start your own list of selfish and non-selfish behaviors, especially if you are one of those people who often misjudges your own behavior as “selfish.”  I can guarantee that you’ll start seeing things differently.    

Look, in order to take care of yourself and to have healthy interpersonal relationships, you need to make sure that YOU are well taken care of first.  You must re-think your rigid rules and begin treating yourself with more compassion, respect, and priority.  …and if you are a helper by nature, fine, but can you imagine the kind of altruistic force you would become if you jack yourself up first?  This is a no-brainer, folks.  

Here's what to do:

Take a bit of time to really observe your behavioral responses to other people and you will surely see how you unnecessarily go above and beyond for everyone else while leaving yourself in the cold.  You must then begin to slowly start doing less, saying no, and establishing your own personal boundaries.  To the average person, this might not sound difficult but, don’t be fooled, I know that for the excessive caretaker this is HUGE and will definitely require the help of a therapist.  …and part of the reason why it’s so hard is because the caregiver must start seeing their worth and value outside of their self-appointed ‘helping’ role.  This is not easy to do for someone who’s spent a lifetime ‘helping’ other people to make themselves feel good.  If this is you, I want you to remember that you matter, you are worthy, go get what’s yours.